Josh and i watched the original Willy Wonka together. It was a trippy movie! I can't believe that it had scenes from Faces of Death on the walls of the tunnel. That was just totally sick. As if the movie wasn't a spook on its own there was some banging on our back door. We heard that and froze. The next thing we heard was someone turning the doorknob like they where still trying to get in. That really messed with my head. I am really freaked out, i hope the same shit that was happening last year isn't starting up again. I am really nervous.

p.s. do not watch Willy Wonka on a diet... or an empty stomach....

Wow, I really like my site! I love the obsession module josh made for me and the calendar! Um on the comment page i am going to eventually edit that banner and make it longer with some more minature pictures from the movie. Oh yeah and my search bar is buggy... instead of it actually running the search it takes you to a page where you can do the search from. Aside from those two things if anyone notices anything wrong with the site (links broken or things glitchin out) please let me know so i can get Josh to fix it for me!

Ok Josh and i had a pretty bad time last night, but he did agree to go to counseling. I think i will wait till after the handfasting to do that though, maybe we are just both really stressed out from this thing. I am having such a really weird day. I can't wait till its over and i get some rest. Tomorrow is supposed to be veg out day and what am i gonna be doing? Most likely cleaning. I didn't get anything done today, my body ached too much.

I spent most of the day browsing xangas. You wouldn't believe some of the things people write. Some of them could be poets, others make you wonder why you should even pay for porn? It is really hard to believe those sites are legal! Oh well who cares i am not about to report em.  I got to introduce Josh to the neighbor i met yesterday. He kept busy playing with the little puppy while her and i chatted a bit. I didn't get to see Justin today. Josh's mom wasn't feeling well and i don't like to have anyone over when she is home. She works too hard to be bothered with people she doesn't even know in her house. When she is home she deserves to rest. I think i'll give Justin a call to come over tomorrow if she isn't here. Hopefully he won't be mad that josh and i haven't called him all week.

A lot of really creepy movies have been coming out lately. On september 9th, there is gonna be a movie that has to do with this girl Emily who is posessed. What i really like is that it is based on a true story. Now i know that a lot of times the movie deviates so much from the true story that there is barely an ounce of truth left in there 'cept maybe the color of the house. Oh well, i'll have to do some digging and see what is up with it.

I have decided i really need to relax... like badly. EXTREMELY  badly. I am getting too stressed out for little things too small to be bothered with. I would really love to get away for the weekend or something, but i can't splurge like that! Not with the handfasting comming up! I don't know what else besides going away for a day or two will help me to chill out, but i gotta find a substitute. Even my muscles are tightening up and just cramping on me.

Irony, i love irony! Just after i wrote that guess what happens? Josh and i get into another one of our "fights." He didn't walk away any better off than i did though. I made sure of that. And yes i went and bought a pack of ciggs, but something good came of it! I met this lovely lady, such a sweet woman! And she has a little girl. They are both so sweet and kind. I met them in the park where i normally sit when Josh and i fight. I was able to take her to show her the school that is nearby (its only a couple of blocks away but she is still learning the area since shes a homebody like me and they only just moved here. The girl has a lot of talent for drawing, but doesn't seem particularly glad that she will be starting school tomorrow! They only live a couple of houses away and will be comming over tomorrow. I am really glad i met them. The mother shares the exact same views i do of family and home and we have so much to talk about. I was amazed how easily i spoke to her since she speaks spanish. It has been so long since I have spoken spanish... i am surprised i could put two words together!!! I am so tired and i am so tempted to go to sleep! =( But I want to invite Justin over and i gotta start working on dinner (crockpot) and i need to clean especially if i am going to have them over. I keep getting thoughts in my head that if i lie down for just an hour... i need to get out of this comfty chair (hasn't been too comfty lately been spending too many hours straight sitting in it!) and get up and start doing what i am supposed to do... oh and even though i got up and stood up with josh all day yesterday to make it easier for him to stay away guess where he is? What am i going to do? I am going to insist that if he wants to get married that we need to go for relationship counseling. I don't want all this turmoil for the rest of my life. I did realize something today though, if we broke up i wouldn't remove the tattoo. Regardless of the status of our relationship, i really do love him so much.

Ok first i want to say thank you Josh for the site. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it wasn't it? (His creative way of making me happy so he gets out of the doghouse!) Aside from editing my tattoo (that is my actual tattoo with the rest of the picture cut out) that is on my search bar, he did all the rest. All i did was tell him where to put stuff, he was the one who actually got it done! Two days + worth of work. I say + because as i am writing this he is ~still~ fixing it. So again, thank you my love. Also Josh has his own xanga site! As my gift to you i am going to give you xanga premium. Enjoy sweetie! I luv you.

Now on to everything else... er... I have been so busy with Josh doing the site, that we have done little else! For the first few hours we didn't even have a TV on for backround noise! (doesn't happen often in this house) I was in a strained mood all day because i only got six hours of sleep. Now normally anyone would say that is good enough and i would agree! Only one problem, this quitting smoking thing is really starting to annoy me. I just want to quit and just get it done. Not have it to be an issue anymore. So as per some advice i got on the subject i have been forcing myself to sleep in to keep my nerves some what down (even though Josh has been stressing me enough to cause me physical pangs so i dont know how much the sleep helps) and getting out of bed before i felt well rested and energized really sucked. But i had to do it, Josh needs to get his hours straight for school! That isn't gonna happen if i am sleeping! Irony being what it is.... we have not slept all night. And the sick part is... I don't think we should sleep at all today just so we are tired when night rolls around... if i make it through today without ciggies it will be a damned miracle. Wish me luck...

Omgosh I want my skin to be made already. The stupid little things that are right on my xanga are bothering me. I want it to be done with already so I can save the skin and go ahead and screw around and make other xanga skins. I want to make a more dark gothic one, and a pagan designed one, and like a romatic one. Hey ok I got too much time on my hands, but at least I try to be productive.

Do you have any idea how many people are home on a Friday night? Do you have any idea how many people feel more bored on Friday night, because it is Friday night and they feel like some exciting amazing thing is supposed to happen and it doesn't? Why do we do that? Friday night is really any other night! Isn't that funny? Think about how many things we look at differently just cause of the name? And yet Shakespeare said:                                               "A Rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet."

Shallow excuses for existances we are, but if it makes you happy it can't be that bad. Question is, does it really make you happy? Unconditional, no strings attached happy? A feeling that lives beneath the skin of your heart and despite any of the horrible things that happens to you, your still happy. Under the pain and depression, there has to be something that makes you truly happy or you wouldn't have hope. Without any hope, you wouldn't be reading my xanga right now, now would you?

What do you do when you feel like your heart is being shreaded? What do you do? What do you do when emotion and stress transcend a mental state and begin to affect you physcially? What can you do without backing out of all the things that make your life worth living? Did you know there are people out there who do not get depressed? They have no clue what it is like? Did you know there are people who do not feel things the same way you do? It doesn't touch them as deeply the way it does to you? Things like this amaze me. I can not imagine not feeling the way I do. I can not imagine not being as sensitive as I am. Can you imagine feeling any differently than you do? Yes there are those that feel even worse and that is not so hard to imagine. You can sympathize with them to some extent because you have had a taste. But if your cuts are as deep as mine, they are like tattoos given at birth. You do not remember what it is like not to have them and you can not even begin to imagine.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out. I am still as sane as I ever was... if I even was to begin with! Just needed to write something from the heart to try to express some of this sadness and pain. If you get me you'll understand.

I have changed my msn, aim, and main email. Eventually I will phase out using the old ones and just stick with the newer ones. I am tired of dealing with so many accounts with so many different passwords, not to mention they are so old and with everything going on lately that is beginning my new life I want something to match. As for aim I added everyone and same for msn. All you have to do is accept my new msn =)

I have been up all night gaming and changing info. And this is day two or three now of quitting smoking... not a good idea. I heard or read somewhere that sleeping reduces the stress you feel and that having a good minimum of eight hours of sleep is important to help with quitting ciggarettes.

I have given more people access to my xanga. I am not gonna try to keep it a secret anymore. For the people who I don't even talk to who read my xanga I feel bad you truly bother! To my friends, everything I write on here is true and if you don't have a xanga you should get one for free! It's something to pass the time and can be fun!

Today was definitely a good day. I have been having a pretty crappy week, but Josh and I finally came to a fair compromise. And I mean a really fair compromise, because I know if he really isn't happy with his part of the deal then it won't keep the peace. I might as well just not compromise with him and just make him do something he hates anyway for all the good it will do. Soooo he has been let out of the dog house... for now... =D

Yerdz and I are getting more and more like we where before we stopped talking. It's nice. I really like talking to some of my old friends again! Like gabe, mary, and frances.  Josh likes me talking to my old friends, he says that it helps me not to be sad about leaving new york. Sure I miss new york, but after thinking about it.... I can't really say I would go back to New York anytime soon.

I am very freaked out about the wedding... its comming! It is nearly four months away. Omgosh. So much has to be done!!! Shit.  I can't think about it all without freaking out. I am going to make invites to be sent via email. I still gotta make so many phone calls. Aiee.

Ok, well I have given it some thought. And I won't fight the forces that be on this one. I asked for it (just like im sure every girl does) and I was blessed enough to have it answered. Albeit a little harsh and a bit hard to swallow.  Josh is a pretty sane guy, and if he doesn't think I am nuts then I guess I should allow myself that much credit. Rather than be angry or rebellious I will take it in stride and be grateful.

As for Yerdz, I guess what happened just was meant to happen and you know what I am talking about. I hope you and me can grow to be best friends again. It will take time definitely, but I hope it happens someday. And I am reaaaallllyy glad you will be comming to the handfasting.

Ok everyone I will be making a final list of who is comming. If I do not invite you directly and want to come please message me before I make the final list of invites. Invites will be sent in email. I need to know ahead of time who is and who isn't comming so I can order the mead and know how big a meal I will be preparing and if it will be even possible to hold this in a room if too many people come. Hey btw, the bride and groom are not shy to accept early presents (especially of cash to help pull this handfasting off!!!)

Becareful what you wish for. That is something we are always told usually by someone wiser than us. Someone who sees the wrong in what we are hoping for and sees how it can go wrong. Well to that I would like to add, you just might get it... at any cost.

It seems so romantic to say that you where meant to be with someone. When it actually happens though...

I dunno I need to think this out more. Too many crazy ideas running through my head.