its a good thing i am forcing myself to make lists and do things during my fast... winds up yesterday was the day of my GR appointment... i had called just in time to reschedule my appointment... so i have to go in today and get that sorted out. i got most of the things on my daily to do list done, but it was too much to get done with my work out too. today i made the list a little easier. im only gonna clean one room and mostly take care of julie's things and of course make meals for josh. that way ill have time to work out. tomorrow i intend to clean the computer room and fix julies big cage and put together and clean her adventure cage. maybe we will even have the lap top cleaned off so we can send it in to be fixed... that sounds like a plan... the house is just too big a mess to do all at once right now.

i dont know what is wrong with julie. shes been overly aggressive and evasive today. i have her in her time out cage on top of a table by an open door so she can enjoy some fresh air and i set her up a soft perch and a toy and medicated water and food in there cause she will probably spend the remainder of the day in there. i just dont know whats wrong with her. i hope it will be over soon.

ok to hell with everything im going back to fasting again... im not gonna break fast until joshs birthday on the 24th of march. im so tired and zapped wound up smoking again today and binging. i feel so sick and so tired and i just dont understand why. i think i am going to take a little nap until josh gets home then im gonna clean and help him do his project... i hope it works... i need some release from all this i need to relax im too stressed i can feel it in my soul! god i hate myself so much right now. i need to be stronger. im so sick of everything. im so depressed i havent been doing the cleaning or nothing im not even sure i took a shower yesterday. what is wrong with me? this depression just wont shake. normally after a fast i feel better and my depression subsides... and its not happening this time. ive been depressed straight for a few months i need it to all stop. i need help.

yeah did some work on this xanga so that now i can use it for more personal things that i dont really want to use on my public sites. people are just arent worthy of such deep insight. granted there is no one that will be reading this at first at least, i cant really imagine anyone who i would let read this. but its fun to pretend.

the guildwars preorder pack finally arrived at EBgames when josh was bitchin n whining to buy it from amazon lol! he went to get it but i had to stay home... i took too many green tea pills to start at the same time and its really fucking my stomach over. the super spicey chicken i ate to speed up my metab prob didnt help either!!! my stomach hurts and im not enjoying it >.<

Stuff has been tough lately. That's for sure... Well since Josh's mom got laid off from her job at Warner Bros. she has been wanting to fix up the house. We all got sleep number beds (they are great) and she has bought some new furniture. This weekend we will be going to Vegas to take the older furniture to her daughter who lives there. Among the new furniture is a new computer with a flat screen monitor. Josh's mom is also going in for some tests today, so we are going to take her and keep her company. I hope she doesn't feel anything. Josh threw out his back and I have been the one carrying the brunt of the shopping packages and going to school with him to carry his books for him. Poor thing, he really has been getting himself hurt recently. He cut open his toe, smashed his finger twice, and of course sometimes his leg gives out and his back is still sensitive. He really wants an xbox360 but I have no way to get it for him. I got denied for the SSI. I have to appeal it so I am going to call their number and get free representation to help me appeal. I am still receiving GR and have to go in on Dec 23 to speak with them. I am so busy I haven't even weighed myself for the past few weeks. I am just so depressed by the SSI thing. Josh and I are still getting married tho. I guess there is some good in all this.

today wasn't so bad. my throat is killing me tho. they are running some more tests on josh's mom, but she is home now. the lamps we ordered arrived. they look awesome. they are pewter plated and are of two dragons climbing up a pole. ive been smoking weed for the past couple of days. when i found out about the SSI i felt terrible. we where so hoping for that check before christmas. oh well.

here we are at fright fest two days ago! like I may have said already we wheren't planning on spending friggin 20 bux on a photo, but it was so nice and we don't have many pictures together we went ahead and got it. i love how my baby looks here.  our neighbors rob and sabrina came over last night. josh had been wanting rob to come over and game like all day, so i got him to help me tidy up and then we dragged him over. those boys where there from like 8pm to 4:30am (including the hour change!) crazy bois. but josh had fun. i cant say that i didn't have fun too! rob helped me scrape and we where able to get enough out to fuck us both up royally. even tho i had just downed a coffee after much flirting with josh and giggling with him i passed out. i could hear em making fun of me, but i couldn't even respond! i was gooooooooooooone! yeah yesterday was nice. i can't wait for tomorrow to go see the move!!! that will be awesome too!!!

yesterday was awesome. i really had fun. damn... if anyone from new york is reading this don't get mad guys but this six flags isn't called extreme for nothing. they made our park look like a kiddy hay ride. even the ride batman was a hell of a lot better (i couldn't walk when i first got off the ride was too dizzy) we went on batman twice (couldn't believe how different it was) scream (omfg i had dreams about this ride i love it i love it i love it i want it in my backyard) and goliath..... omfg.... goliath.... that ride has insane issues. it takes you 255 feet up into the air then drops you nearly straight down and you wind up going through this tunnel. thats not even the insane part yet. this ride goes 85 miles per hour on all turns, drops and everything so everytime you dip down you feel the gforce screwing with you. then there is this corkscrew... three circles each one smaller than the last... you black out from the gforce... not entirely but everything goes black except for one or two spots that you can see out of. after that i couldnt even scream. i was in shock. i couldnt believe the ride really did that to you. i mean josh told me stories about how his friend who did the commercial when the ride first came out had to ride it 10 times in a row and him and everyone else completely blacked out. and he told me about how you almost black out from the gforce (rides like this are what you have to ride to become an astronaut) but i didnt think... damn. that ride has sick issues.

after that we went to all the maze haunted houses. i was screaming my head off at all of them except for the last one which was clowns. lol i just laughed and wanted to pinch their cheeks they where so cute (in a demented sort of way) i dont think i even jumped once. there was this one clown who saw i was avoiding him and went up to my face like he angled himself so he was under my face and i just busted up laughing he was so funny. they do that by the way... if you show any fear they will chase you around... in this one haunted house i had two "ghost/zombie" people chasing me cause i wouldn't stop screaming. same when i went to the asylum this one possesed person was chasing me. at another this somewhat sexy but scary chick was going through th eline seeing who she could scare. when she realized i was the only one who got freaked out she would go an inch from my face and open her mouth wide like to eat me and make that ring eeeeeeeeh noise. i was covering my face and screaming i couldnt help it! i couldnt move either cause we where stuck in that room. it wasnt till josh laughing said your on your own that i screamed "you bitch!" and i went to choke him. after choking him i ran behind him and hid with one eye watching the girl. she was watching me sidelong all creepy like. she did it really good. she had such a striaght face like bitch this aint funny imma get you! it was awesome and i think all the staff did a really great job. in this one place they would scare you and then you would start laughing for some weird reason (same with everyone there) and they would wind up laughing with you!!! it was histerical i loved it so much even though i was so scared and screamed so much i dont think i can talk today. my throat hurts!!! josh and i got a really nice picture taken, ill post it later, im too lazy to work his scanner. im so happy he took me. it really was a nice change.

wow talk about being spoiled!!!

tomorrow or well really today (fri, oct 28) josh is taking me to fright fest!!! he bought the tickets behind my back and sprung it on me yesterday!!! isn't that awesome??? ive been to six flags a few times but never to fright fest! i've always wanted to go and now for my first time i get to go with my bugaboo!!! talk about stoked!!!

monday on halloween josh is gonna take me to go see the saw 2!!! skerrrry!!! maybe even go to a few haunted houses!!!

that friday (nov 4) hes taking me to go see the late late show with craig (omfg i love that scottish guy hes just so damned funny!!!!)

and then the following friday (nov 11) hes gonna take me to see harry potter goblet of fire!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

you know i love josh very deeply. he is the only one who has made me feel like i was dumb for ever admitting love for another. i know i have loved in the past, but what i have with him is so special (despite our fights) that it doesn't compare to what i've known before. and for lack of better words i have to resort to using the same words i have used in the past "i love you" everynight before he goes to bed i make sure he knows i love him. and for lack of better words i tell him i love you and you mean more than anything to me. i think he knows how much i love him, but i just wish that i could express it with words less carelessly used as "i love you"

Still here. Josh and I had a fight last night. It was pretty bad. I think I am gonna sleep in the computer room until I feel I can truly trust him again. I now got three xangas. I am thinking of shutting one down but I am not sure. Of course it wouldn't be this one... maybe angelic_alium? But I really like that name... sure isn't gonna be the third one I got. Thats the one I am most active on right now. I really love this site, but sometimes I am too sad to write what I go through here when I know people who know me will read it. On my third xanga I am annonymous. Well for anyone checking on me I am still here and I will try to post at least once a week here. I'll try not to make all the posts depressing.

I went in for my SSI interview this past wednesday. I don't think it went well. Just gotta wait for a reply in the mail I guess. It's got me on end. Josh and I might have to move out... his mom will probably lose her job at WB because of their move to outsource programming jobs to India. Weee.... not. If she does, she will probably go to Ohio to be with her ex-husband and neither Josh nor I want to go there and see that guy again. We also don't want to move in with his dad. Last time I was looking into apartments though I found one for 500 w/ utilities. I am thinking I could handle paying rent and food if I get the SSI but we would have to find a way to make money for his car insurance, gas, clothes and all the other stuff. But at least we would have a roof over our heads and food. We'll see what happens.