Guys until furthur notice the wedding is off. I am very sorry to anyone who might have made plans to come in December. If anyone has invested anymone in reservations only let me know and I will be sure to refund you for it. Brandy go ahead and make that dress... i'll use it someday.

//edit//

Scratch that... Josh is just going through too much right now. I want to hold off the wedding truly until things are more peaceable between us... but I can't. He is going through too much and I can tell he is about to break under the strain. A couple of days ago in the hurricane his brother lost his house to a flood. His sister lost her job and has been stuck somewhere on the road since 10 am this morning and still hasn't gotten help. Now I knew those things, but he wasn't that close with either so I felt I needed to look out for myself first. Now though there is something else that even I do not have the heart to make myself take presidence over... his mom has been having problems with her liver lately (enlarged) and they are saying it may be cancer. She already had breast cancer and they are saying it might be it comming back. I started crying a little when I heard that.. (I tried not to let Josh see the tears in my eyes) She will not make it through chemo and all that again. It ravaged her the first time and she just has so little strength lately that I can't imagine her being able to face it again. Please say some prayers guys for his mother. Like I said earlier... he didn't grow up with his siblings really so he isn't that close to them, but his mother... thats another story. The other things will just add to his pain. You know... in the middle of the fight today I told him how can you hurt me when I love you more than anyone in this world? He responded that his mom loved him more... Now his mom has done a few things that remind me of my mother that makes me think that might not be so, but I guess we will never know for sure now will we? All I know is that as much as this hurts me that I have to be strong and just take his carelessness and abuse. I guess I will have to play quiet little house wife for a while and let him have his way with things. He looks a little gaunt today... I am really worried. As much as I hate to swallow my pride for any guy... for the first time I am going to try to. I love him too much to let him go through all this alone and me breaking off the wedding must surely make him feel terrible. It is like everything is happening at once and his eyes are showing the wear of it.

Never again am I waiting up for anyone. Josh's sister wanted to talk to him and even though we had stuff to do today I mean Josh don't see his sister everyday! So I stayed up with him to keep him company and make sure we didn't go to bed too late. It was 3am when she walked in and she was still so faded she couldn't talk for shit. So... there goes my night and day. Thanks dear! not

Wow another couple of days and I am gonna see Yerdz! I can't believe it. Yerdz if you read this you need to tell me if you want hash weed or medicinal. I dunno the medicinal kinda gives me a happy rush. Also another flaw in the plan, Josh's mom will be home monday so we wont get to lounge around all day and smoke... we will have to take the car and go riding around all day and smoke! MWHAHAHAHAH yeah w/e Oh and Josh said yes to the summer vaca in Armenia! I knew he wouldn't say no to me =) So right after the wedding I will start planning... shit the rings... shit shit shit! I gotta get my ass in gear and stop spending extra money VERY SERIOUSLY! I don't think I will be able to buy weed for the next couple of months... that is gonna suck! Oh well it will be easier to loose weight without the munchies!

Yesterday was a bad day. Absolutely nothing got done on my list of things to get done, because Josh wouldn't get his lazy ass out of bed. He claims he doesn't remember that morning which isn't so hard to believe since he moves (like sits up) and talks in his sleep. But by the time he got up and took a shower I was so upset that it didn't do much good. After fighting for a while I smoked 3 bowls of hash weed... wow I couldn't even stand straight but it helped big time. I was able to calm down and talk to him clearly about what was upsetting me and it helped me to get some dreamless sleep. I think that is what I like most about smoke! The dreamless sleeps. I just dont sleep well when I have nightmares, even if I sleep through them without waking. Normally once I have one nightmare, the rest of the night is all nightmares! And the nightmares aren't of demons and stuff, it is about realistic situations that could happen that bring up my greatest fears and forces me to realize them. I have been told that is part of depression, it definitely hurts my mood. I don't understand it though, you would think if you where living out whatever upsets you in your sleep, that you would be refreshed when you woke up. That by facing them in dreams it wouldn't keep them bottled up inside you. That's not true for me though.

~Another Day~

I am a little miffed today. Supposedly Josh's sister was going to come over and even spend the night and no one tells me this. Luckily she didn't come, very lucky for me. I hadn't finished cleaning the bathroom or the bedroom or Josh's mom's room. How friggin lame! How if especially if I am cleaning that day, (I didn't sleep last night and had begun cleaning long before Josh's mom left for work) no one warns me? I know its not my house, but I do live here! Forget about the cleaning, the fact that someone is going to stay over ought to be reason enough for someone to tell me! No one has any consideration anymore. It friggin bugs me. And especially how Josh's sister is... some of the drawers that we use now USED to have her stuff in it. I could so picture her just walking right into our room (like she always does) and going right into the drawers. I could so picture her a scavengar for smoke. She doesn't know that I do. I don't think its any of her business and I would never sit down and smoke with her... even if it was her stash. Yeah, I am not too crazy about his sister in case you didn't pick it up but it is with reason. She put her boyfriend above everyone else (even her mom and brother when we where there for christmas) but meanwhile she rubs it in my face that I am not really part of the family. Or like she will tell her kids yeah me and Josh are adults they have to respect us when she doesn't give us any. Josh and I have even gone as far as to plan to put money away so when his mom goes to Lonni's we can say we have plans and go somewhere else. It's just a messy situation all over. I hope I am not gonna see her, but that isn't likely... I believe she even has keys to the house. I want a lock on my door. I have my own personal life that especially her I don't want in it. Damn bitch.

~Boring Lazy Day~

I am so upset at the things I go through sometimes. The kind of stuff that this guy flea-market pro (not josh! hehe gabe) is putting me through is sooo fucked up! I hope Josh does take him to court. I want to sue him for every little penny he is worth. Not even for the money, but as payback. Oh well, I guess we will see. We really can't afford to go to court, I am going to have to spend enough with Yerdz coming to see me in a week! Uggggh! I am going to relax tonite, I am going to have much cleaning to do while Josh is at school tomorrow!

~I forgave him early, what a surprise~

Josh and I made up yesterday. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it! He was willing to sleep on the floor next to the couch where I was sleeping just to sleep in the same room with me and he even got on his knees to ask forgiveness. He also agreed that the next time he goes and plays counterstrike all day instead of trying to resolve the fight, that he looses his cs account. I can't imagine really taking his account from him, but oh well! I need to learn to play for him (promised) I'll just use his account!

My friend is letting me use her lineage 2 account. I made a character named MistressSybilla. She is a mystic right now, but eventually she will be a dark wiz. I don't know why she wanted me to play a dark wiz instead of an oracle, but oh well I am sure she had a reason. I was super nice and actually let Josh play with her, while we were still "fighting." I wish I could afford to activate our own accounts, but everything is too tight with the handfasting.

I got some forms from SSI today. I really need to get the prescription, what if they drug test me? I wasn't expecting to hear from them until December so I am taking it as a good sign. Also, instead of sending an answer they are asking me to fill out more forms, something else I take as a good sign. I am NOT looking forward to filling out those forms. I hate talking about my depression with anyone other than my friends. Among my friends its like a norm, but with these people you are admitting something is wrong with you. I hate that. Well, I guess it will be worth it when I am getting the SSI check. Could you imagine if I got it early? That would be absolutely wonderful.

Btw I am sorry if the password protect bothers anyone, but it was something I had to do. I didn't want to change my xanga name (this account is premium for life) but there where people looking in that I want to keep as far away from my life as possible. I hope it doesn't bug anyone too bad. And I am sorry it is on the comment page as well! I was only planning for it to be on the entry page, but Josh found that if you use premium so you can search out web entries sometimes they brought you straight to the comments page. >.< Lame!

Josh promised that if we where fighting that he wouldn't play Counterstrike. It was supposed to deter him with fighting with me. What happened instead? He is like "oh well" and plays. I feel like I am not being taken seriously. I feel like Josh is treating me like crap lately. I really am considering ending it. He just really doesn't make me happy anymore. In the past month the reason I have been smoking so much pot is to chase away anxiety and depression caused by him. Lately though I am too sad to bother. What is the point when the only people who have ever cared for you in your life abuse you and take advantage?

~Fight with Josh~

Josh knows how to ruin the mood if anyone who was ever born ever did! I was so happy. I had a great day, got to hang out with a friend, talked with yerdz, had a nice high, and spent some quality time with Josh. Then he fights with me! I had a nice nap last night... he hadn't slept. It is only now that he is lying down in bed. He started fighting with me because he was grouchy. I did not loose my cool. As frustrated and hurt as I was, I kept talking to him, imploring him to just get some rest and that he would feel differently when he woke up... better! He refused to! He right out refused to! And he sat there belittling me, fighting with, being a louse, giving me faces and attitudes and talking down to me... as if he could ever hope to be on the same level with me when he is acting that way! Three times he started fucking with me... and I kept telling him you need sleep... now either you cut it out or you go to sleep cause I will not forgive you if you start a fight for no good reason. Now the next few nights are going to be very lonely on both parts, but you know what? That is ok. I would rather be lonely and have some dignity then to be treated like some ho. He can not talk to me like that and he can not treat me like that. All of this because I was labeling the html code for MY xanga skin in MY xanga settings so that if a friend wanted this piece or that piece I could go ahead and give it to them! It would be a lot easier for me to do a search for when everything is labeled all neat. His arguement was that by me doing it without his approval that I was being unappreciative to him for all the work he did for me... I thank him all the time irl (in real life) for it! He will even go fishing for compliments and I abide it. He will be like... do you like your site dear? out of no where cause he likes to hear it and you know I want him to feel good about himself so as if it is the first time I tell him how much I love it and that I even go to look at it when I do not need to post cause it is so pretty and makes me feel special someone did so much work for me. Anyone can just search through my posts since he has changed my site to see all the times I thank him AND the popup that I wrote in my thanks to him. What more can I do? More importantly how much more should I do? I should have told him thank you just once and if he kept fishing for more I should have told him I already said thank you and that I will take off the skin if he has a problem. I do not want to be like that with him, I do not want to be a controlling bitch.

Josh has said that maybe I am not ready for marriage. I told him that he could take what I had to say how he wants but I saw him as a kid, not a kid at heart (one of the reasons I love him) but in maturity and that he needs to do a lot of growing up very fast for him to grow into the position of man about to become a husband. The way he is behaving is like some guy I just date or a boyfriend.

And I stand by what I said. What man would be cruel and fight with his fiance when he knows she has chronic depression and very big problems with anxiety and she is pleading with him nicely (i made sure i was as nice as possible so he wouldn't take it as me ordering him around and would listen to me to avoid the fight) to get some rest so that he will feel better when he gets up instead of being grouchy. Only a very young kid who doesn't waaaaaaaaaaaaaant to go to bed will stay up and make themselves grouchy and mean.

I am sick and tired of forgiving him so he can fight with me again... didn't we just have a big fight on Thursday? So for one week we will not bathe together, we will not sleep together, we still live in the same house obviously, but I am going to make sure we keep some distance until he learns to appreciate me enough to be more considerate. I know something like that will take time, but a week or two straight of no fighting will help me to really forgive him. Not forgive him so the fight is over with already, but forgive him because he is trying. Let's see how it goes. Probably if he can go a week without fighting with me I wont push it for a second week because like I said before I will be lonely without him, but if he does fight with me he can count on longer times without me. Maybe if he just has some space to himself he will think a little.

He says this won't help the relationship. He says it wont get any respect or consideration out of him. That may be true, but lets face it... if I am doing it it is because it will work better than what I am doing now! And if it doesn't help the relationship it will help me. I will feel better that I enforce my standards. Just because I am his does not mean he can abuse me, whether that is physically, mentally, or emotionally. I may not have much when it comes to money, but I know myself... that alone very few can honestly say and I have class. I will pride myself on those two things even when I have nothing else to love about myself.

~Days Events~

Ok finally the site is completely perfect, aside from that problem we are having with the search bar. The search bar does not search automatically. It will take you to the xanga search site where you have to type in what you want it to search. So if you have xanga premium and can use the search bar, then just hit the button that says "Legalize It!!!" Because I have been a little worried about who has been viewing my site and since I am so honest on this site, Josh has put in some security measures for me, such as a needed password to view it. It wasn't Josh's friends that worried me enough to put a password on my site, it was Nick. With Josh's friends I am worried they will go to his parents about stuff I write on here to break us up (they have done worse in the past) but really the only thing I do wrong is smoke weed and I am going to get a prescription for that soon. It is gonna take a little longer than I thought though because the doctor I was supposed to go to has up and moved so.... lame! No, my real worry was Nick. See ever since Josh and I have been engaged he has been worried about Nick finding out and sending people to stalk me and stuff and like I said the other night we where having problems with people trying to get into the house (well we assume it was a person... not many street animals are smart enough to work a door handle!) soooo that is why the annoying password thing is on my site. Now I will be able to type everything I ever wanted without fear! Isn't that great? If you want any scripts I have on my site just ask!

Wow, I got such good smoke today... I was totally gone after one hit. It was hash weed. (I only smoke natural stuff, no lacing in my weed thank you!) I was trying it for the wedding, cause I want to make sure I have good stuff for everyone that day! I feel awful that i spent $140 on smoke, but it lasts me the whole month... when smoking ciggs was at least $200 a month. Anyway I probably won't smoke for a while, I want to cut back. So anyway, I smoked at like 5 pm and I was totally faded until like 11:30 pm and I am only now at 5 am starting to sober up mentally. I smoked with Justin one bowl of hash and two bowls of medicinal. It wasn't the medicinal that kept me high so long it was the hash weed. It was just... damn. It was so strong... it makes me not want to smoke so often... something so strong has to have side effects. I got to hang out with Justin today, I wasn't gonna buy until the beginning of next month, but Josh is like "he always smokes you out and he doesn't even have... you ought to just go ahead and buy today I will make sure you don't smoke it all before September is up." and that was when it clicked in my head and we went and bought. Wow... I got killer munchies! So did Josh, he got a little contact. Not enough to be high but enough to get DA MUNCHIES!!! It was so cool hanging out with Justin again, but I am worried I made a fool of myself cause some of the stuff I said didn't even make sense to me and like Josh was supposedly saying I was faded or that I was gone in a sweet way (he finds it cute when I get fucked up... go figure) and I thought he was making fun at me so I would start cursing him out! Stuff like that that I couldn't help cause I was just too far gone... or like people would talk to me and I would know they are talking to me but... I was just there... lol! Yeah that stuff is too strong for everyday smoking... it will be a while before I smoke again.

It was awesome talking to Yerdz on the phone. We have decided to write out the whole weird ass story of how I wound up in Cali and what happened to us as a result of it. That is gonna be fun. I bet no one will believe it! I bet everyone will think its some story we made up! But that's ok! Weird stuff happens in my life all the time that sounds like I am making it up! It is great talking to Yerdz over the phone, even though I was still faded mentally. Josh likes it when I talk to Yerdz, he says it helps me. He normally doesn't even bug me! Like I will go into the room and lie down to talk to her and he will only come in to tell me something or to bring me something if I ask him to, he just gives me space to relax with my gal pal. Isn't that so considerate of him? Luv you Josh and Yerdz! Can't forget Gabe... definitely luv you too! Between the three of you I think I'll be ok!