September 27, 2005
-
I have such terrible nightmares. Nightmares you know are fake but are so confusing. To add to the confusion I usually feel alone and sad or hopeless.
I had a dream last night that I was back in New York and Josh was going to LIC too! Just random people I knew where there ranging from my childhood to now. Something had happened and I had dropped something very important, I think a ring that Josh gave me. This bitch I used to know Jessica kept hovering over Josh every time I looked over. I finally went up to her and asked Josh what the hell does she what? He was like, oh nothing. And the two kept chatting. I went back to searching on the stoops we used to sit on accross the street from the school and I found it, but I put it in Yerdz's backpack by accident. I guess she had left it there over night. Now I am trying to get my rings out of her backpack before everyone comes to school. (I guess I got their early like I used to and used to be one of the first ones around school grounds) And this other bitch I knew Jennifer Criso was fuckin making me feel like a theif. The next thing I know I see Yerdz comming down the street and I try to dump her entire backpack into mine (I figure I can always give her her stuff later) and it wound up that I dumped all my stuff into her backpack! All the while one person is making me feel like a thief and Josh has that lil slut crawling all over him to get him to pay her some attention. And tons of people where comming now since it was a little later in the morning. And then Yerdz comes up to me and shes like what the fuck you doing? The feeling I got from this dream is that even when my intentions are good, a lot of times people misread them. And I only make myself look even more guilty because I get ashamed so easily.
I had a dream last night that I was one of the Huxtables from the Cosby Show. Claire was my mom and I was I think vanessa? I supposedly had dementia and was taking medicine for it? (I don't even know what dementia is... i'll have to look it up) I had my boyfriend sleeping in the same bed as me (dunno who it was) but rudy was sleeping in the same room with me. And she tossed and turned a lot at night and that of course woke me up. So I got up and took a shower to feel better, but the shower wasn't as clean as I would have liked it so I went to the kitchen and got some Bleach and Comet to clean it. As I am about to close the door Claire friggin sticks half her body in the door to stop me. Next thing I know she is in there screaming at me for god knows what. Then after I explain she doesn't apologize but she tries to do something to make me feel better. Just like how shit would happen with me and my mom. Makes you think, is that why I have such a bad guilt complex? It gave me the feeling no matter what family I was born into I would have had problems. Kinda fucked ain't it?
I don't know what to do about these fucking dreams. Not much I really can do huh? A person can't control what she dreams when shes not even conscious! The only thing I can do I do, I prepare myself before I go to bed. I sit up and think for a minute and I am like ok I am going to sleep. So that way at least I don't think these dreams are real. My dreams are so vivid though... its hard for me to control them. I think I need to do some reading again in dream mastery... but then again they always teach me something, would that be so wise? I guess I will let the dreams be for now. Obviously I have a lot to learn if each night is a couple of lessons (usually 2 dreams with 2 different messages a night) and for whatever reason they must be preparing me for something.
//edit: btw I looked up what dementia is... its alzheimers disease... not a good thing and really kinda odd, like it is taking a swing at my memory. As far as I know I have the best memory out of the people I know. I am not good with new faces or new names, but I am good at remembering things. Like I said, no matter what family I was born into I would have had a lot of crap to deal with.
Recent Comments