September 21, 2005
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I have not been feeling so well. Even though the diet and exercise has been helping so much to keep my depression at bay, it has still surfaced. I got to admit though this is the longest I have gone in a long time without feeling this way. 20 days? That is a record for me. Thats why I have been able to stick to my diet so well, it makes me feel good. I didn't gain at all from my eating yesterday which is a good sign my metabolism just sped up to eat up more calories which means my metabolism is nice and healthy. That is good, I dunno what I would do if my metabolism just flaked on me. I have a normal metabolism as it is! Not fast like Josh's. His metabolism is on crack!
I did hit a problem though. I am getting this allergic reaction to something I am eating/drinking and I am thinking it might be the skim milk I am drinking. Drinking two glasses of skim a day WILL mess with your skin cause of all the chemicals they put into it. I am hoping to get some soy milk today. It could also just be the green tea. Drinking 3 glasses of green tea (because of all the antioxidants it has) will clean the skin of impurities. I am thinking it might also be that. Kinda like getting a facial? Where at first your skin gets messed up after the facials cause they are pulling all the impurities out (making breakouts and rash like looks on your face) and then after you keep doing it and your skin is clean and pure you don't get breakouts anymore like ever. The odd thing is that my face and other parts have been getting really clear and I think almost glow, but on my chest, neck, and stomach my skin is reddish. Well Im stopping the milk intake, so hopefully it will go away. If not I guess I could give up drinking green tea for a while, but I don't want to!
I had a really creepy dream last night. Everynight I have nightmares, don't ask me why. And every morning I always remember them and they bring back whatever I was feeling. The feeling I got from my nightmare last night was of being lost and out of place. It is a really terrible feeling to have follow you about the day. Josh and I where living with a family, i don't think it was his mom or even anyone from his family. Just some random family.. yeah... and that there wasn't room for me and they didn't want to let me sleep with josh... so I had to move all my things out to the front porch and I had to sleep on one of those two seater chair swings? And I kept remembering how scared I was to sleep outside because I didn't know what was going to happen to me. (Something that used to happen to me all the time when I lived with Nick. Then it wasn't a dream though, then it was something real I had to deal with) And my bird wasn't allowed to even sleep outside with me. They didn't want her anywhere near the house. I could be wrong but I think they where also keeping me away from Josh. I remember trying to "summon" him to me and I wound up using the wrong word and made a double of myself. And this version of myself no joke must have been 500 lbs! She is like wow you look great! And I am like, what the fuck did you do to yourself? ... god I hope I am not as mental as I think I am!
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