WARNING: I am very depressed right now and need to rant. If you don't want to hear some fucked up shit then don't read it. If you do read it, I don't wanna hear about it. Do not ask me if I am alright later on cause it will only make me feel worse and make me remember. I am writing it out so that I can let out all my anguish and forget. If you are really worried about me say a quick prayer for me and the forces that be will hear you.

Yesterday night before I went to sleep I smoked some resin and that helped me so much. I had no nightmares, at least none that I could remember. I didn't have any dreams either, but I never have dreams anymore, just the nightmares.

I went yesterday (Wednesday) to the doctor. They didn't know right off the back what it was, but I did get hiv tested. I am negative and so is Josh. They have this new test that all you have to do is swab the inside of your cheek and in twenty minutes you have your results! Pretty cool huH? Yeah I must admit I wouldn't have tested for it (since i got all my bloodwork done before I came out to cali and I trusted Josh) but since we where there and it wasn't going to cost us anything might as well know for sure right? Yeah so they took some more blood from me. They are testing for Syphillis or however you spell it. If I got it, then it must be from Josh... it is an STD passed along only by sex. You don't even pass it on sharing a drink of water (kinda like hiv) and it can be cured (not like hiv). But the only thing I am wondering is when the hell Josh would have had the time to cheat on me? I can't get rid of him half the time when I want to! Well anyway thats just what they think. Doesn't mean its true. I gotta find out in two weeks. Then I will start worrying about Josh. I have enough to worry about with him.

He is stressing me so badly. I feel like just ripping out the veins in my wrists. I will be in the middle of an anxiety attack of in the midst of depression and he just prods and keeps going and makes everything worse. He just doesn't stop. He keeps going with his stupid remarks. All he says is "not really" "yeah, ok" "thats waht you think" and he doesnt say anything productive. Only things that put down how I am feeling or what I am saying. What really sucks is I always tell him what is wrong, and he doesn't stop himself. He doesn't fuckin care enough. Like if I tell him, stop talking to me like that I don't want to hear your sarcasm. If you are gonna be sarcastic then don't even bother talking to me. I am too stressed to deal with this. What is the next thing he says? "Fine, nice way to take care of someone.".....

I went on a walk alone not too long ago. I was crying the whole time. Oh and earlier he was asking me what day of my fast am I on? (doing it for health reasons) Cause I told him about it so he could monitor me so he would feel better and not worry that I might be going ana. I knew of course i friggin knew. I keep things like this marked, but I wanted to see something so I told him No idea, you wanted to know so you could monitor me so you tell me. He told me "Don't rely on me." I dunno what I wanna do. But for right now I am staying in the computer room. Sleeping in here on the couch. I don't want to share a bed with him right now. I barely want to see him. I am not going to give into my loneliness that HE is responsible for. Not that he didn't get his. He has this thing where he is like a parrot. If you tell him something, he will turn it on you. My only guess why is to make you feel how he feels, problem is when I say it its true. So its at least the twelth time hes telling me to grow and stop being a little kid... (gee whiz wasn't I telling him that 40 mins before he started his shit?) and I am sitting at the table with him standing over me and he tells me it AGAIN. I told him say it again I'll break your face. Well... he did... just to push me. Like he always does. This time he got hurt. I grabbed his arm and pushed him away from me so he couldn't continue to stand over me and I didn't realize how forcefully I did so (didn't go for the face didn't want to) and his back got hit with the end of a counter (rounded) next thing I know he is on the floor and the big scab on his knee from the last time he was fighting with me breaks open and hes bleeding on the floor.

I gotta admit... i didn't feel bad. I almost felt like it was a ploy to get me to forgive him. I carried him to bed and put neosporin on his cut and tucked him in then cleaned the rug. The entire time I did not feel sorry for him. He had the balls to sit there and bed and tell me "jenn don't fight with me no more" with his bullshit tears. No one hears me when I cry. When I can't even breathe because I feel as if the earth has landed on my chest. When I wind up taking too much of something to help me sleep through the fight. When he pins me down or shuts off everything on me or won't even let me out of my room. He doesn't cry for me. He doesn't worry about it. And unfortunately now I am like that.  I don't like it. It makes me want to cry some more. The person I love I couldn't even sympathize with. He just hurts me so badly sometimes... and he pushes me and pushes me and he doesn't understand that I have a breaking point like everyone else. One day I am going to wind up putting him through the wall because I am just gonna lose it.

My mother and my father have seen my blind rage when someone takes too much from me. My mother when she put my life in danger and ... actually it was the same thing with my father. My uncle as well. All three of them now don't push me anymore and none of the three dared come around to see me for at least a month. But I had to let that horrible side of me show inorder to get that. What is it with me... do I have the word doormat over my head? Why do people push me around like they think I don't have it in me to fight back? I just don't want to... I don't like to hurt people I try to help. Even though half the time I am being lied to or tricked. And the really sucky part is... when I do let lose on someone for not respecting me or for purposely harassing me... I am the bitch. I am always the bitch. I will forever be the bitch. And everyone else is god's children...

I have such terrible nightmares. Nightmares you know are fake but are so confusing. To add to the confusion I usually feel alone and sad or hopeless.

I had a dream last night that I was back in New York and Josh was going to LIC too! Just random people I knew where there ranging from my childhood to now. Something had happened and I had dropped something very important, I think a ring that Josh gave me. This bitch I used to know Jessica kept hovering over Josh every time I looked over. I finally went up to her and asked Josh what the hell does she what? He was like, oh nothing. And the two kept chatting. I went back to searching on the stoops we used to sit on accross the street from the school and I found it, but I put it in Yerdz's backpack by accident. I guess she had left it there over night. Now I am trying to get my rings out of her backpack before everyone comes to school. (I guess I got their early like I used to and used to be one of the first ones around school grounds) And this other bitch I knew Jennifer Criso was fuckin making me feel like  a theif. The next thing I know I see Yerdz comming down the street and I try to dump her entire backpack into mine (I figure I can always give her her stuff later) and it wound up that I dumped all my stuff into her backpack! All the while one person is making me feel like a thief and Josh has that lil slut crawling all over him to get him to pay her some attention. And tons of people where comming now since it was a little later in the morning. And then Yerdz comes up to me and shes like what the fuck you doing? The feeling I got from this dream is that even when my intentions are good, a lot of times people misread them. And I only make myself look even more guilty because I get ashamed so easily.

I had a dream last night that I was one of the Huxtables from the Cosby Show. Claire was my mom and I was I think vanessa? I supposedly had dementia and was taking medicine for it? (I don't even know what dementia is... i'll have to look it up) I had my boyfriend sleeping in the same bed as me (dunno who it was) but rudy was sleeping in the same room with me. And she tossed and turned a lot at night and that of course woke me up. So I got up and took a shower to feel better, but the shower wasn't as clean as I would have liked it so I went to the kitchen and got some Bleach and Comet to clean it. As I am about to close the door Claire friggin sticks half her body in the door to stop me. Next thing I know she is in there screaming at me for god knows what. Then after I explain she doesn't apologize but she tries to do something to make me feel better. Just like how shit would happen with me and my mom. Makes you think, is that why I have such a bad guilt complex? It gave me the feeling no matter what family I was born into I would have had problems. Kinda fucked ain't it?

I don't know what to do about these fucking dreams. Not much I really can do huh? A person can't control what she dreams when shes not even conscious! The only thing I can do I do, I prepare myself before I go to bed. I sit up and think for a minute and I am like ok I am going to sleep. So that way at least I don't think these dreams are real. My dreams are so vivid though... its hard for me to control them. I think I need to do some reading again in dream mastery... but then again they always teach me something, would that be so wise? I guess I will let the dreams be for now. Obviously I have a lot to learn if each night is a couple of lessons (usually 2 dreams with 2 different messages a night) and for whatever reason they must be preparing me for something.

//edit: btw I looked up what dementia is... its alzheimers disease... not a good thing and really kinda odd, like it is taking a swing at my memory. As far as I know I have the best memory out of the people I know. I am not good with new faces or new names, but I am good at remembering things. Like I said, no matter what family I was born into I would have had a lot of crap to deal with.

Another bad day. I am in so much pain right now, then again so is Josh. I just want all this to stop.

I have not been feeling so well. Even though the diet and exercise has been helping so much to keep my depression at bay, it has still surfaced. I got to admit though this is the longest I have gone in a long time without feeling this way. 20 days? That is a record for me. Thats why I have been able to stick to my diet so well, it makes me feel good. I didn't gain at all from my eating yesterday which is a good sign my metabolism just sped up to eat up more calories which means my metabolism is nice and healthy. That is good, I dunno what I would do if my metabolism just flaked on me. I have a normal metabolism as it is! Not fast like Josh's. His metabolism is on crack!

I did hit a problem though. I am getting this allergic reaction to something I am eating/drinking and I am thinking it might be the skim milk I am drinking. Drinking two glasses of skim a day WILL mess with your skin cause of all the chemicals they put into it. I am hoping to get some soy milk today. It could also just be the green tea. Drinking 3 glasses of green tea (because of all the antioxidants it has) will clean the skin of impurities. I am thinking it might also be that. Kinda like getting a facial? Where at first your skin gets messed up after the facials cause they are pulling all the impurities out (making breakouts and rash like looks on your face) and then after you keep doing it and your skin is clean and pure you don't get breakouts anymore like ever. The odd thing is that my face and other parts have been getting really clear and I think almost glow, but on my chest, neck, and stomach my skin is reddish. Well Im stopping the milk intake, so hopefully it will go away. If not I guess I could give up drinking green tea for a while, but I don't want to!

I had a really creepy dream last night. Everynight I have nightmares, don't ask me why. And every morning I always remember them and they bring back whatever I was feeling. The feeling I got from my nightmare last night was of being lost and out of place. It is a really terrible feeling to have follow you about the day. Josh and I where living with a family, i don't think it was his mom or even anyone from his family. Just some random family.. yeah... and that there wasn't room for me and they didn't want to let me sleep with josh... so I had to move all my things out to the front porch and I had to sleep on one of those two seater chair swings? And I kept remembering how scared I was to sleep outside because I didn't know what was going to happen to me. (Something that used to happen to me all the time when I lived with Nick. Then it wasn't a dream though, then it was something real I had to deal with) And my bird wasn't allowed to even sleep outside with me. They didn't want her anywhere near the house. I could be wrong but I think they where also keeping me away from Josh. I remember trying to "summon" him to me and I wound up using the wrong word and made a double of myself. And this version of myself no joke must have been 500 lbs! She is like wow you look great! And I am like, what the fuck did you do to yourself? ... god I hope I am not as mental as I think I am!

Day 3 of no smoking and it is killing me. I feel zapped of energy and tired from waking up so damn early. I fell asleep like at 4am and got up at like 8am. That is not enough sleep especially if I am quitting smoking (less sleep makes you more stressed and makes it harder to quit) or my diet (your metabolism slows down like 15% if you don't get at least 6 hours of sleep or at least I heard.

Julie keeps picking herself. We have been spraying her all day with this anti-pick spray and as soon as it dries she goes at it again! I don't want to keep squirting this stuff on her, it can't be that great for her. But if I don't do something she will pick until she makes herself bleed. I gotta try doing some more research. What really sucks is she is illegal in california (and not new york go figure) so I can't bring her to a vet or into a pet shop cause they would take her from me. How lame is that? She is better off with me though, anyone that I would have left her with in New York would probably have let her go after a while. Birds are hard work to take care of. The smarter they are the harder it is. Like raising a small child that can bite when she gets pissed off.

The handfasting is looking really bleak. We are brokkkkkkkkkkke and unless I am going to get my ssi before december (most likely a nono) it will be really tight. I won't even get to wear the traditional dress. That is alright though it is more important that we recieve blessings from above for our union, right?

I am feeling very tired. I am not sure if it is from my diet, or from quitting smoking. If tomorrow I don't feel any better I'll know I am either sick or the diet isn't working to well for me. So I'll raise my intake a little, even if just for a week to get my metabolism kicking stronger again.

Finally my friend and scriptor is back from his vaca! He says he will be ready to start working on the UO shard with me again this weekend. That means I have a lot of work to do. I have to set up the server again. I will not register with gateway though until the shard is going open beta. I have to also start working on the map again and organizing all the work that needs to be scripted in. I also need to find someone to do the 2d design & animation. I also need to put a website and forum together! GRRRRRRRRR so much work... if anyone wants to help, can script c#, can do 2d design & animation, or want to be a part of the game to play it just let me know and I'll see what I can do for ya.

Hi everyone! I know I haven't been posting everyday like I should here but I have been too busy on my other xanga. You can now click on "visit my website" to see it! I have been doing really well with my diet and this is the second day of no smoking for me! Not much has really been going on besides that. I stopped receiving my childsupport checks though so now I am completely broke. Josh and I are still going to have the wedding, it just won't be as nice as we had hoped. I was considering to just leave it for next year, but Josh got so upset about it. I thought about it and I guess it doesn't matter if we don't have the nice clothing, or the complete altar the god and goddess will bless our union regardless. So we have no excuse not to ask for it. We definitely need that blessing with all the fighting we do. Half the time I don't know if we are fighting or playing. Its a bit confusing, but I love him for it. I hope everyone is in good health and I hope to talk to you soon. bibi every1!

The days sure have been flying past. So much to post, that I don't know where to begin. Well on monday we went to venice beach with yerdz and had a great time. I got to buy a couple of ponchos, one is just like Yerdz's. We where on the boardwalk when LA had a blackout, oh well we had to rely on beach sunlight! poor us! lol! Josh spoiled me AGAIN! Even though I am not going to be smoking weed as much as I used to, he still got me a nice pipe with a gorgeous case since it was a good deal and a great pipe. To show how strong the pipes where he took it and banged it against the display case. I nearly screamed! They are made by their glass blowers and are blow inside out or something liek that. The designs are in between THREE layers of very thick and heavy glass! That is going to be my upgraded outdoor pipe. My throw away doesn't give as nice hits. Plus the way the inside is shaped makes the smoke go into me so comfortably that I never realize how big my hits are till I blow out. Crazy huh? He sure spoils me the bum!

Monday Josh and I went to the King Tut exhibit (currently located in LA!) We had a blast. We went in at 9:30 and came out at 1 pm! Yikes where did all the time go? On the plus side we may have finally successfully abstracted his 2 point hold on his dmv record. So at least we did something towards getting his paperwork in line! There where so many beautiful things on display. It is so amazing, it is so hard to believe this stuff was created in B.C. Josh wanted to have a replica made of one of the pieces but have it made in our image instead of king tut and his wife, with some pagan prayers on the back instead of the egyptian ones. Isn't that precious? Shame I am so tight on money....

I am really scared because I haven't recieved a child support check yet... it might have finally been cut. We will know for sure when tonight we check the account cause sometimes the checks arrive together for some weird reason. If I still don't get it... its over. We are still going to have the wedding regardless though. It just won't be as nice as we had hoped, but that is alright! Josh was upset when he thought we weren't going to have it. The way I see it though, this wedding is just for our close friends and us... so I am sure they will understand when I can't throw a huge wedding dinner and things along those lines. And if they don't then they don't have to come of course. But Josh and I will still be married on Dec 21st winter solstice!

I have lost 14 lbs since I have started my diet at the beginning of this month! Go me! I have been doing really well on my diet. I also have a secret xanga that is actively involved in a weight loss web ring that has been helping me lose weight. Josh has also been so helpful. I am so happy eating healthier, and I rarely get a craving for anything that isn't anymore. Go me!

I am trying to quit smoking ciggarettes again... Hopefully this will be my last attempt. It is so hard... I had a cig like an hour ago and I am craving one so badly right now. :*( but there isn't much I can do about it is there? I will just have to cope. I can always chew gum (won't hurt my diet) but I don't really want to. Oh well, Josh will be home soon from school hopefully and then I can bitch at him until I feel better!

For those of you that might have been wondering, aside from an argument yesterday, Josh is really doing a lot better with how he treats me. After he had been behaving for like a week straight he came up to me and knelt in front of me (I was sitting in front of the comp) and he says "we are going to be ok right?" He is so worried about losing me. I gotta admit sometimes I get scared too. But things have been a lot better lately and even though yesterday really pissed me off cause we were having such a sweet and lovey dovey day, I know he is trying... I can feel that he is trying and that he loves me. So I am happy with that for now. Eventually we will get stronger as a couple. We have a lifetime to work it out!

The past few days have been kinda cool. A lot has been going on and I haven't been updating I know ::hits hand:: bad me! But it is kinda hard keeping two xangas. I have been using a second xanga to keep track of my weight loss. I know not many read my site, but the ambiguity (did i spell that right?) of having a secret xanga helps! So I have been trying to loose weight. It is very slow, but no one said it was easy right? I am currently eating about 500 Calories a day when I am good but from time to time I hit the 2000 Cal mark. One thing I have learned from reading girl's who are ana or mia is that they wind up hating themselves even more for having a cookie. So I try to take it easy when I do eat outside my diet and focus more on how much I enjoyed the food than the calories. Josh says I am loosing weight but I don't notice it to be honest.

Yerdz came and hung out monday, tuesday, and wednesday. It was a lot of fun. We smoked weed, drank (hot tea for me and coffee for yerdz) and I strayed from my diet one day only! But when I did... wow did I do it! LoL. Even off a diet I don't think I ate as much as I did that one day! Remember Yerdz? Pineapple ham and cornbread? Subway? Shoot... what else did I eat? LoL. The whole thing went ok except Yerdz decided at the last minute not to go to Justin's house cause she didn't want a guy to hit on her. I found the whole thing embarassing so I am like lets just not go then. Justin threw a fit and I wound up smoking him out even though he had just gotten an eighth that day. I dunno he freaks me out he reminds me of Nick. The guy is nice, but I don't really want anyone around that reminds me of Nick...

We went to see the movie "the exercism of emily rose" and it was really great. It ~is~ more of a informative thing guys so don't bitch when it isn't "red eye" The movie scared the hell out of me what that poor girl went through. Her real name starts with an A and is a long french like name. I wish they would have used that name, its so much nicer but oh well. Josh and I got a lil bitchy... ick crowds!

I might have stopped getting my childsupport from my dad I am not sure. It could be I am going to get both checks together or that it is finally over. If that is the case then it is very iffy if we can afford the wedding. Gee thanx dad. That lamer... I wouldn't be surprised if I am not even in the will. Oh well fuck him, he has always kicked himself because he was always such an asshole to me and I still made what I wanted to happen happen. He will have to live with it, I got to learn from it. Feel bad for him huh? Not to mention he is going to miss out on many things in my life that do have meanings especially to fathers. When I have the church wedding I think I will walk down the aisle alone and not even bother having a stand in father. I made it all this way without a strong father figure, who needs him for ceremony?

Things went ok today, except me and Josh broke Justin's pipe. We are gonna replace it on Wednesday and I am lending him a spare for now. Ugh, some things where soo goood today some things where so badddd. It was just one of those days where you can't seem to win, but something won't let you loose altogether.

Guys until furthur notice the wedding is off. I am very sorry to anyone who might have made plans to come in December. If anyone has invested anymone in reservations only let me know and I will be sure to refund you for it. Brandy go ahead and make that dress... i'll use it someday.

//edit//

Scratch that... Josh is just going through too much right now. I want to hold off the wedding truly until things are more peaceable between us... but I can't. He is going through too much and I can tell he is about to break under the strain. A couple of days ago in the hurricane his brother lost his house to a flood. His sister lost her job and has been stuck somewhere on the road since 10 am this morning and still hasn't gotten help. Now I knew those things, but he wasn't that close with either so I felt I needed to look out for myself first. Now though there is something else that even I do not have the heart to make myself take presidence over... his mom has been having problems with her liver lately (enlarged) and they are saying it may be cancer. She already had breast cancer and they are saying it might be it comming back. I started crying a little when I heard that.. (I tried not to let Josh see the tears in my eyes) She will not make it through chemo and all that again. It ravaged her the first time and she just has so little strength lately that I can't imagine her being able to face it again. Please say some prayers guys for his mother. Like I said earlier... he didn't grow up with his siblings really so he isn't that close to them, but his mother... thats another story. The other things will just add to his pain. You know... in the middle of the fight today I told him how can you hurt me when I love you more than anyone in this world? He responded that his mom loved him more... Now his mom has done a few things that remind me of my mother that makes me think that might not be so, but I guess we will never know for sure now will we? All I know is that as much as this hurts me that I have to be strong and just take his carelessness and abuse. I guess I will have to play quiet little house wife for a while and let him have his way with things. He looks a little gaunt today... I am really worried. As much as I hate to swallow my pride for any guy... for the first time I am going to try to. I love him too much to let him go through all this alone and me breaking off the wedding must surely make him feel terrible. It is like everything is happening at once and his eyes are showing the wear of it.