Omgosh I want my skin to be made already. The stupid little things that are right on my xanga are bothering me. I want it to be done with already so I can save the skin and go ahead and screw around and make other xanga skins. I want to make a more dark gothic one, and a pagan designed one, and like a romatic one. Hey ok I got too much time on my hands, but at least I try to be productive.

Do you have any idea how many people are home on a Friday night? Do you have any idea how many people feel more bored on Friday night, because it is Friday night and they feel like some exciting amazing thing is supposed to happen and it doesn't? Why do we do that? Friday night is really any other night! Isn't that funny? Think about how many things we look at differently just cause of the name? And yet Shakespeare said:                                               "A Rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet."

Shallow excuses for existances we are, but if it makes you happy it can't be that bad. Question is, does it really make you happy? Unconditional, no strings attached happy? A feeling that lives beneath the skin of your heart and despite any of the horrible things that happens to you, your still happy. Under the pain and depression, there has to be something that makes you truly happy or you wouldn't have hope. Without any hope, you wouldn't be reading my xanga right now, now would you?

What do you do when you feel like your heart is being shreaded? What do you do? What do you do when emotion and stress transcend a mental state and begin to affect you physcially? What can you do without backing out of all the things that make your life worth living? Did you know there are people out there who do not get depressed? They have no clue what it is like? Did you know there are people who do not feel things the same way you do? It doesn't touch them as deeply the way it does to you? Things like this amaze me. I can not imagine not feeling the way I do. I can not imagine not being as sensitive as I am. Can you imagine feeling any differently than you do? Yes there are those that feel even worse and that is not so hard to imagine. You can sympathize with them to some extent because you have had a taste. But if your cuts are as deep as mine, they are like tattoos given at birth. You do not remember what it is like not to have them and you can not even begin to imagine.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out. I am still as sane as I ever was... if I even was to begin with! Just needed to write something from the heart to try to express some of this sadness and pain. If you get me you'll understand.

I have changed my msn, aim, and main email. Eventually I will phase out using the old ones and just stick with the newer ones. I am tired of dealing with so many accounts with so many different passwords, not to mention they are so old and with everything going on lately that is beginning my new life I want something to match. As for aim I added everyone and same for msn. All you have to do is accept my new msn =)

I have been up all night gaming and changing info. And this is day two or three now of quitting smoking... not a good idea. I heard or read somewhere that sleeping reduces the stress you feel and that having a good minimum of eight hours of sleep is important to help with quitting ciggarettes.

I have given more people access to my xanga. I am not gonna try to keep it a secret anymore. For the people who I don't even talk to who read my xanga I feel bad you truly bother! To my friends, everything I write on here is true and if you don't have a xanga you should get one for free! It's something to pass the time and can be fun!

Today was definitely a good day. I have been having a pretty crappy week, but Josh and I finally came to a fair compromise. And I mean a really fair compromise, because I know if he really isn't happy with his part of the deal then it won't keep the peace. I might as well just not compromise with him and just make him do something he hates anyway for all the good it will do. Soooo he has been let out of the dog house... for now... =D

Yerdz and I are getting more and more like we where before we stopped talking. It's nice. I really like talking to some of my old friends again! Like gabe, mary, and frances.  Josh likes me talking to my old friends, he says that it helps me not to be sad about leaving new york. Sure I miss new york, but after thinking about it.... I can't really say I would go back to New York anytime soon.

I am very freaked out about the wedding... its comming! It is nearly four months away. Omgosh. So much has to be done!!! Shit.  I can't think about it all without freaking out. I am going to make invites to be sent via email. I still gotta make so many phone calls. Aiee.

Ok, well I have given it some thought. And I won't fight the forces that be on this one. I asked for it (just like im sure every girl does) and I was blessed enough to have it answered. Albeit a little harsh and a bit hard to swallow.  Josh is a pretty sane guy, and if he doesn't think I am nuts then I guess I should allow myself that much credit. Rather than be angry or rebellious I will take it in stride and be grateful.

As for Yerdz, I guess what happened just was meant to happen and you know what I am talking about. I hope you and me can grow to be best friends again. It will take time definitely, but I hope it happens someday. And I am reaaaallllyy glad you will be comming to the handfasting.

Ok everyone I will be making a final list of who is comming. If I do not invite you directly and want to come please message me before I make the final list of invites. Invites will be sent in email. I need to know ahead of time who is and who isn't comming so I can order the mead and know how big a meal I will be preparing and if it will be even possible to hold this in a room if too many people come. Hey btw, the bride and groom are not shy to accept early presents (especially of cash to help pull this handfasting off!!!)

Becareful what you wish for. That is something we are always told usually by someone wiser than us. Someone who sees the wrong in what we are hoping for and sees how it can go wrong. Well to that I would like to add, you just might get it... at any cost.

It seems so romantic to say that you where meant to be with someone. When it actually happens though...

I dunno I need to think this out more. Too many crazy ideas running through my head.

Wow we where soooo busy yesterday. We were running all over the place. On the upside though we went to a store that was going out of business and we got these two tables that are solid wood and very pretty. One of them is serving as an altar for the set I got. Josh's mom saw it and didn't make a big deal of it so I am glad for that. It is -her- home. I don't want to do anything that would bug her. I am thinking of putting a picture up but I don't think anyone really cares that much!

I'm loneeelyyyy! Josh is at school again. I wanted to invite Justin over today, but I don't feel right having anyone over when Josh isn't here. Especially a guy. I know I wouldn't like Josh to have girls over here when I am not around. I wouldn't feel right. Knowing Josh might be worrying. Like the one time an ex-friend of his was over here without him. He didn't even want to go to school even though it was -his- friend. He says he trusts me, he just doesn't trust guys not to hit on me. He thinks I am some valuable treasure that any guy would nab up if they got the chance. I love that he thinks im so precious, but I just wish I saw in myself what he sees in me.

I lost 5lbs!!! Don't ask me how I did it. I haven't been feeling well lately, so I haven't been taking my diet pills. I definitely haven't been on my diet (damn supermarket sales on breyer's ice cream!!!) But apparently with the cleaning I have been doing takes more out of me than I realized. The time that Josh's step-dad was here and was doing all the cooking and cleaning was probably when I gained some weight now that I think about it. I was more than willing to do the cooking and cleaning. We kinda even competed over it for the first couple of days. Then I just backed out. I figured it is just gonna give me more time to spend with Josh, even if it made me feel kinda worthless. Taking care of the home and Josh and his mom makes me feel good about myself cause I really love them. And they both really appreciate it. Josh helps out all the time! (normally he does the dishes since I HATE doing that!) And his mom is always thanking me. Which I don't think is really necessary, but it does make me feel good I gotta admit!

Some fag named Coren keeps giving out my xanga to people. Apparently thats how Jim knew about our tatoos and stuff. I don't get how these people care what is going on in our lives when Josh and I wish they would just fall off the face of the earth!!! Well regardless of who reads my xanga I made a promise to be truthful on here. Ok some stuff happens that I might be embarassed about, but I don't really have anything to hide. The only thing that -really- embarasses me is me using weed. But its for medicinal reasons and as soon as my friend can come with me to the doctor I will get the actual paper for it. (Right now I am just going off the recommendation of several doctors because I have done several consultations about it. I hate taking anti-depressant pills or anxiety reducing pills.And it can't work if you don't take it right?) All I can say is thank heavens I listened to Josh and didn't write out the info on the Handfasting. Otherwise we might have some wedding-crashers showing up. Hmmmmmm.... tasers are pretttttty. Very non-lethal... no jail time... hehehe. Then again the friends I am going to have there would probably rape the shit out of these cowards if they came =D but I don't want stuff like that happening on such an important day in my life!

I never get tired of looking at Josh's tatoo. I am still not used to it. It makes me so happy everytime I look at it. And instead of freaking out like I used to when my ring wouldn't come off (gotta take that to be resized) I don't have fits where I want to tear it off. Most the time I don't even remember its there, but on Josh I never forget he has one. Isn't that weird? He says when we walk with him in front and me behind him that nothing can harm us because the protection symbol we have guards us both. I really want to have a picture taken in like old fashioned victorian or renaissance with him shirtless so his tatoo shows and me facing him leaning on his chest so my tattoo shows. I wonder how much something like that would cost?

btw. I want to do something different to my site. I want to keep the same scheme but maybe change a few things. If you got any suggestions or are willing to help me work on my site just let me know.

It was Josh's first day of school! I was so lonely without him. Talking to Gabe was great though and made me feel a lot better. I feel bad for Josh though... he has to deal with this guy he can't stand cause they have the first two classes together. They -used- to be friends, but then he pissed off Josh because of what a slob and how rude he is. Not to mention when he used to try to talk about me behind my back thinking Josh wasn't going to tell me. At first I felt bad for the guy cause he seemed jealous that Josh rather spend time with me now instead of him, but then he would go and do things like that. I mean if he is jealous cause Josh and I are best friends... what would make him think Josh doesn't tell me everything? Josh already promised me that I wouldn't have to see him, he isn't allowed over the house so at least I don't have to worry about that! But I still feel bad for Josh. He isn't as cold as I am. If he was he probably wouldn't be bothered by the guy anymore but see he has a heart. The guy is just too dumb to catch on to Josh's hints. On a good note though Josh has to go to the museum for three of his classes so he told me we would make dates of it. I can't wait to see what the museums out here look like. Out here according to Josh you -have- to pay to get in. Unlike in New York where you can go in for free and they ask for a donation. Oh well, hopefully it is worth it. Museum of Natural History in Manhattan definitely was.

This Saturday Josh and I are gonna go to a barbecue at his father's house. It isn't exactly my ideal way to spend a Saturday but it is his father's big party of the year so oh well. I just keep remembering Josh's step-mom asking me and Josh to make out in front of her and it makes me feel weird. Just seeing her at all is gonna be kinda weird. I haven't seen her since Josh and I where there last and her and Josh's dad where fighting.

I gotta go to the doctor for my prescription.  I really don't wanna goooooo. I hate seeing doctors. They always ask me the same questions and I always gotta repeat the same stuff over and over. I have never found a good doctor that I trusted. A friend is suggesting this guy though and I have never tried doing something like that before so hopefully it will work out better this time around. The doctor is pretty close by to where I live too so thats real good.

I do not know what is wrong with me. I have gotten two hours worth of sleep in the past two days. I just can't seem to settle down and sleep. And of course when I feel like I am ready to sleep a little something will come up that I can't sleep. I haven't been taking anything or eating sweets before bed or anything. I even drink a glass of milk at night to try to get me to sleep. This morning when I got up to have breakfast with Josh I felt like a complete zombie. I could barely keep my head from landing in the bowl of cereal. Keeping this in mind, as soon as he leaves and I go to lie down again.... nothing. I couldn't sleep. I don't like this I can't go a third day like this. It isn't even like im busy or something so that I keep awake like that. I don't do much so I am just sitting around suffering. >.<

We got our mini cabinet and altar in the mail today!!! It is absolutely perfect for the handfasting! The altar set itself is so beautiful! And I got it soooooo cheap off of ebay. http://www.ladyhawkstreasures.com/moongoddessset.jpg  I have it set up in the room right now! I don't know if that is so wise cause I don't want to freak out Josh's mom, but I love it so much I don't want to just pack it away in the closet.

That idiot I was talking about last time from ebay? Winds up that I might have his account closed on him for reporting him to ebay instead of just reporting it to paypal and getting my money back! He still hasn't responded to the report at paypal. Haha hope he gets screwed over. Guy really deserves it. Who would want to screw over a sweet ole gal like me?

Hung out with Josh and Justin again today. Justin is such a trip. He has done everything... twice. He is so feckin funny too! For some reason though when I am high I have to keep stopping myself from calling him Jason??? Go figure. I don't even know a Jason. It's not like I forget his name, but when your high stuff just rolls off the edge of your tongue even if it don't make sense all the time. Wow and talk about high! I was like catatonic for like two hours after he left. I am just sitting there just faaaaaaded. All of the sudden I sat up and just started running around doing stuff and cleaning. It made me feel like I had a weeks worth of sleep!

Josh is a nag. >.< Josh is a big nag. Now although I am not a nag, I have to admit something... thats partially Josh's fault! I don't normally have to nag, I just ask. Now every once in a while he'll honestly just forget or just be too lazy and then he will need some bitchin, but its all in good fun. He teases me when I bitch at him cause he knows I want him to get whatever it is done but that I don't really mean anything by it. But him... NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG flakdsafjdslfkjadsfla;sdkfjads;lfaksdjf;alsdkfjadskl;fkjas;dlfkasjdfkals;dfjsda;flkasdjfl;adsjkf;ladskfjasd;lfkjdsa;lfksdjfslk! Well at least he knows how to put the toliet seat down.

Aqua Teen Hungerforce on Cartoon Network (channel 45 out here) is so fekin funny! I just saw an episode where the meatball wasn't being properly babysat and he got into the medicine cabinet and ate all the ""jelly beans"" lmfao!

Some lame ass named the-fleamarket-pro is trying to rip me off on ebay. I payed him the same day as the bid ended and would you believe he didn't leave me feedback? He left me feedback when 4 weeks later after getting unprofessional emails from him or having some of them ignored I did not receive my item. So I submitted a complaint through paypal to get my money back and I left a negative feedback. Would you believe now he leaves me a negative feedback? I did my part I payed the same day! Im going to do my best to have ebay remove it. And the kicker is he sends me an email asking if i will remove my negative feedback so he will remove mine as well! Damn lamer. I hope that he doesnt catch that paypal is asking him to respond within the next 9 days so they auto remove the money from his account and he overdrafts and many problems on him!

On a happier note, Josh propsed! We were sitting on the couch watching some stupid movie on scifi called Alien Express. It went to commercial and we were having fun and he's like. Ooooh what a cute alien, will you marry me? lmfao! Wedding date is set for Winter Solstice (December 21st) If you haven't gotten an invite yet and wanna come let me know! I'll send all the specifics via email.

Josh and I started reading a book called "The Burning Times." It really takes an interesting approach to pagan and christian religion. It is a fictional story, but what I believe is expressed best here. We are reading it together not only to have fun, but so Josh understands my views about pagan religion. I would really suggest this book to anyone who has any belief in craft. I got it for only three bux on ebay hardcover in store condition!