August 27, 2005
-
~Fight with Josh~
Josh knows how to ruin the mood if anyone who was ever born ever did! I was so happy. I had a great day, got to hang out with a friend, talked with yerdz, had a nice high, and spent some quality time with Josh. Then he fights with me! I had a nice nap last night... he hadn't slept. It is only now that he is lying down in bed. He started fighting with me because he was grouchy. I did not loose my cool. As frustrated and hurt as I was, I kept talking to him, imploring him to just get some rest and that he would feel differently when he woke up... better! He refused to! He right out refused to! And he sat there belittling me, fighting with, being a louse, giving me faces and attitudes and talking down to me... as if he could ever hope to be on the same level with me when he is acting that way! Three times he started fucking with me... and I kept telling him you need sleep... now either you cut it out or you go to sleep cause I will not forgive you if you start a fight for no good reason. Now the next few nights are going to be very lonely on both parts, but you know what? That is ok. I would rather be lonely and have some dignity then to be treated like some ho. He can not talk to me like that and he can not treat me like that. All of this because I was labeling the html code for MY xanga skin in MY xanga settings so that if a friend wanted this piece or that piece I could go ahead and give it to them! It would be a lot easier for me to do a search for when everything is labeled all neat. His arguement was that by me doing it without his approval that I was being unappreciative to him for all the work he did for me... I thank him all the time irl (in real life) for it! He will even go fishing for compliments and I abide it. He will be like... do you like your site dear? out of no where cause he likes to hear it and you know I want him to feel good about himself so as if it is the first time I tell him how much I love it and that I even go to look at it when I do not need to post cause it is so pretty and makes me feel special someone did so much work for me. Anyone can just search through my posts since he has changed my site to see all the times I thank him AND the popup that I wrote in my thanks to him. What more can I do? More importantly how much more should I do? I should have told him thank you just once and if he kept fishing for more I should have told him I already said thank you and that I will take off the skin if he has a problem. I do not want to be like that with him, I do not want to be a controlling bitch.
Josh has said that maybe I am not ready for marriage. I told him that he could take what I had to say how he wants but I saw him as a kid, not a kid at heart (one of the reasons I love him) but in maturity and that he needs to do a lot of growing up very fast for him to grow into the position of man about to become a husband. The way he is behaving is like some guy I just date or a boyfriend.
And I stand by what I said. What man would be cruel and fight with his fiance when he knows she has chronic depression and very big problems with anxiety and she is pleading with him nicely (i made sure i was as nice as possible so he wouldn't take it as me ordering him around and would listen to me to avoid the fight) to get some rest so that he will feel better when he gets up instead of being grouchy. Only a very young kid who doesn't waaaaaaaaaaaaaant to go to bed will stay up and make themselves grouchy and mean.
I am sick and tired of forgiving him so he can fight with me again... didn't we just have a big fight on Thursday? So for one week we will not bathe together, we will not sleep together, we still live in the same house obviously, but I am going to make sure we keep some distance until he learns to appreciate me enough to be more considerate. I know something like that will take time, but a week or two straight of no fighting will help me to really forgive him. Not forgive him so the fight is over with already, but forgive him because he is trying. Let's see how it goes. Probably if he can go a week without fighting with me I wont push it for a second week because like I said before I will be lonely without him, but if he does fight with me he can count on longer times without me. Maybe if he just has some space to himself he will think a little.
He says this won't help the relationship. He says it wont get any respect or consideration out of him. That may be true, but lets face it... if I am doing it it is because it will work better than what I am doing now! And if it doesn't help the relationship it will help me. I will feel better that I enforce my standards. Just because I am his does not mean he can abuse me, whether that is physically, mentally, or emotionally. I may not have much when it comes to money, but I know myself... that alone very few can honestly say and I have class. I will pride myself on those two things even when I have nothing else to love about myself.
Recent Comments